Tag Archive: doctor


Funny medical transcriptions

A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

ONLY A YEAR MORE

A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

“What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup.” said the Pastor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”

“Will this help me live longer?”

“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.”

UG JOKES

A Professor of Medicine, a man well known for his earnest and oft-proclaimed Temperance views, was (yet again) lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do. To demonstrate its effect on the nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a glass of gin & tonic. The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying.

“And can we deduce anything from that?”, asked the Professor with the triumphant air implying that only obvious conclusion could be drawn.

“Yes,” came a voice from the back, “if you’ve got worms, drink alcohol.”

Menstrual Cycle Problems



From missed periods to painful periods, menstrual cycle problems are common, but usually not serious. Follow this chart for information regarding changes in your cycle. Every question include a symptom, its possible diagnosis or DD, and some self care that may be applied. However, it is important that you seek an expect medical opinion if you find any of the symptoms present it you.

SYMPTOMS DIAGNOSIS SELF-CARE

1. Have your periods become painful? if NO,

GO TO question  no5

If yes, try question number 2,

2. Have you been more emotional, fatigued or irritable, or do you have more bloating or weight gain than usual, or do you have trouble concentrating or sleeping just prior to your periods?

if yes,

This may be normal menstrual cramps, or you may have premenstrual syndrome(PMS)

self care involve

Use over-the-counter medicine such as ibuprofen or naproxen for bloating and pain. Avoid caffeine and alcohol. Make changes to the way you eat and exercise. Eat smaller, more frequent meals that are high in complex carbohydrates such as fruits,vegetables and whole grains, and take a daily multivitamin and calcium. See your doctor if symptoms get worse.

if the above question was answered as NO, try next question

3. Do you have a sexually transmitted disease, or do you have a fever or foul-smelling vaginal discharge?

if YES,

You may have a serious infection around your ovaries, fallopian tubes, and uterus called PELVIC INFLAMMATORY DISEASE

in such case,

URGENT

See your doctor right away. Any infection in the abdomen can be serious.

if the above question was answered as NO, try next question

4. Do you have pain at other times such as during sex, ovulation or bowel movements?

if the answer is YES,

You may have ENDOMETRIOSIS, a problem with the lining of the uterus, or OVARIAN CYST

in such case,

See your doctor.

________________________________________

*5. Are your periods heavier or are you bleeding longer than usual?

if the answer is NO,

Go to Question 9.

if YES, go to question number six,

6. Do you use an IUD(Intra uterine device)?

if yes,

The IUD may have caused this change in the pattern of your bleeding.

in that case, See your doctor.

if the above question was answered as NO, try next question

7. Do you have a constant feeling that you need to urinate, or do you have pelvic pressure, constipation or pain in your back or legs?

if you answered it as YES,

Your symptoms may be from FIBROIDS, noncancerous tumors of the uterus.

in that case, See your doctor.

if you answered the above question as NO,

8. Do you have muscle aches, swelling or stiffness in your joints, tightness or swelling in your throat, and/or weakness in your legs?

if you answered it as YES,

You may have a problem with your THYROID GLAND such as HASHIMOTO’S DISEASE.

in that case, See your doctor.

________________________________________

9. Are your periods irregular, infrequent or have they stopped?

if you answered the question as NO, Go to Question 14.

if you answered the above question as YES,

10. Do you have breast tenderness, abdominal fullness or nausea?

if you answered it as YES,

You may have an OVARIAN CYST, or you may be PREGNANT.

in that case,

If you could be pregnant, do an at-home pregnancy test. If it’s positive, see your doctor for confirmation. If you don’t think you’re pregnant and symptoms continue, see your doctor.

If you answered the above question as NO,

11. Are you on birth control pills?

Some women will miss a period while on BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. There is a small chance you could be PREGNANT

in that case,

Wait to see if you have a period at the end of your next pack of pills. See your doctor if you have signs of pregnancy or you don’t have a period after the second month.

if you answered the above question as NO,

12. Are you 35 years old or older?

if you answered it as YES,

Periods that stop after years of regularity may be caused by normal or premature MENOPAUSE. Irregular periods may be due to FIBROIDS, HORMONE PROBLEMS, or other medical conditions.

in that case,

See your doctor.

if you answered the above question as NO,

13. Have you felt sluggish, or have you gained or lost weight without trying?

if you answered it as YES,

You may have a HORMONE PROBLEM, such as a THYROID GLAND problem. Periods may stop or become irregular if your weight falls dramatically, as can occur with ANOREXIA NERVOSA

in that case,

See your doctor.

if you answered the above question NO,

***14. Are you bleeding at times other than your period, or again after having gone through menopause?

if you answered the question as YES,

Your bleeding could be from FIBROIDS, ENDOMETRIOSIS, or from a serious condition such as ENDOMETRIAL CANCER.

in that case,

See your doctor right away. Early detection of endometrial cancer is important for successful treatment.

if you answered the above question as NO,

For more information, please talk to your doctor. If you think the problem is serious, call your doctor right away.




Honestly, this is a part of a compilation i prepared for a work when i was a student. so, there has been lot of irregularities while converting the file from a doc format of msword to html and iam not a cyber guy, so, there are problems with the typing of it.

finally, i also want to credit the work to its actual author which i cant figure out now( COS IT WAS DOWNLOADED A LONG TIME AGO FROM A WEBSITE). so, i cant take credit for formulating this.

hope this information served you any good.

Thank you for reading and GOd bless you