Category: LOL


Bang on !!!

*Here’s how the Indian TV news channel MDTV 25×8 would  report the  Jack-and-Jill incident. All names (except those of Jack and  Jill), are  fictitious.*

PRASHANT – TV Anchor
We have important breaking news here. Two persons have  been injured in a  freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had  gone up a hill to  fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his  crown. Jill came  tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita  Shah, takes up the  story.

AMRITA SHAH
Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons – Jack  and Jill – had gone  up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell  down and broke his  crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.

PRASHANT
Thank you, Amrita. What do we know about the hill?

AMRITA
Not too much at the moment. Jack was going up the hill to  fetch a pail of  water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came  tumbling after.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “HILL  BREAKS CROWN OF  PAIL-BOY JACK”]

PRASHANT
Any news of Jack and Jill?

AMRITA
Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch  a pail of water.  We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was. But it  appears that  Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling  after. I have  here with me, an eyewitness to the entire accident, Mr  Shahid Trivedi. Mr  Shahid, tell us what you saw.

SHAHID TRIVEDI
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.  Jack fell down and  broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “BOY AND  GIRL TUMBLE DOWN  HILL. WATER SPILLED”]

AMRITA
Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother  and sister? Are  they married? Just what were they doing on the hill  together?

SHAHID TRIVEDI
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

AMRITA
And what happened next?

SHAHID TRIVEDI
Jack fell down and broke his crown.

AMRITA
Go on…

SHAHID TRIVEDI
And Jill came tumbling after.

AMRITA
Prashant, there you have it! Two people innocently going  about their  business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls  down, breaks his  crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in  the studio,  Prashant.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “WATER  ERRAND ENDS IN  TRAGEDY”]

PRASHANT
I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekhar  Belagare from the  Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences. Professor: A  hill. Jack. Jill. A  pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?

PROF BELAGARE
Well… that depends on the hill, the two persons, the  object they were  carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the  evidence so far:   Jack and Jill / Went up the hill / To fetch a pail of  water. / Jack fell  down / And broke his crown / And Jill came tumbling after.

Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack’s fall was severe  enough to break  his crown, then the surface of the hill must have been  slippery and  therefore unstable. But I think we’re overlooking  something quite  fundamental here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down  and broke his  crown and – this is the key – Jill came tumbling after.  If Jack and Jill had  been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen  at the same  time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that  Jack lost his  footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.

PRASHANT
Professor, thank you very much. So there we have it, two  persons – Jack and  Jill – went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack   fell down and broke  his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.
Later in the  programme, some other  news: Osama bin Laden captured in Afghanistan, President  Obama promises free  health-care for every American citizen, and Pakistan  launches nuclear  warheads against key Indian cities.
But next up, join us  after the break for  an in-depth studio discussion about hills, boys and girls,  and whether  water-fetching trips should be supervised. Don’t go away.
We’ll be right  back …..

P.S.: The irony is that this is barely a joke …. it’s is  near REAL!!!
That’s EXACTLY how our fancy (and so-called) NEWS channels
operate! What a  shame

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This article is dedicated to a dear friend of mine and i really did get the copyright to use his personal story in my blog. Dont worry, its going to be funny,comical,  sarcastic and really throw dirt on your buddy!!!

This time i want to give you all the write answers for your confessions and quieries??

so, please read me!!!

What inspires me to do this??

Yesterday, i was just looking at some old pictures and i came across certain memories i have during my under graduate days, some of the most wonderful times, pranks and old jokes shared and spent together with wonderful people called as friends.

There are certain instant thought’s that we get when we think about a person. some of their most common usage of words, their style and mannerisms.

so, this friend of mine, and due to the reason of protecting his identity lets call him, the Stig.

Cant think of any other name and its borrowed from The stig from BBC topgear. Since, no body knows who the stig is, lets say he is like the stig!!

So, Mr. Stig has this funny confessions,  he make when he gets boozed..

you can always start expecting how much is inside Mr. stig, by the amount he opens up. The confession continues till he has puked it out.

i’m not going to make any comment on the things Mr. stig confessed, but i find that most of the people who are a little over on the glass makes a series of same confessions.

THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ALCOHOLIC

One of the common starter  is the confession over how much he loved his ex girl friend.

Mr. stig, i want you to understand that i really love to hear your problems, but promise me that next time you confess it be another girl!!!

Again the next is the explanation for your most asked question.

No, i didnt date your girl friend!!

Why is it that most of the alcoholics have to call their ex-girl friend’s at midnight??

I dont think she is expecting your call, stig!!

you are never overdrunk, are you, Mr.Stig? Because i have never heard you call your current girl friend when you are drunk. I’m ofcourse proud of you!!

Next time you are drunk, you dont have to remind me that you are normal, i know you are abnormal, always, hehe!!!

How many times have you said that this is the last peg and had it going on till dawn??

You dont know and i havent counted!

The most interesting among them is the confession you made, saying that this will be your last peg, you quit.

Save it for the next time, buddy!! I have heard it for the infinite times.

Funny medical transcriptions

A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

ONLY A YEAR MORE

A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

“What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup.” said the Pastor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”

“Will this help me live longer?”

“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.”

UG JOKES

A Professor of Medicine, a man well known for his earnest and oft-proclaimed Temperance views, was (yet again) lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do. To demonstrate its effect on the nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a glass of gin & tonic. The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying.

“And can we deduce anything from that?”, asked the Professor with the triumphant air implying that only obvious conclusion could be drawn.

“Yes,” came a voice from the back, “if you’ve got worms, drink alcohol.”

The mechanic and surgeon

A mechanic asked heart surgeon, “look at this engine. i opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back. so how come i get such low salary and you get paid in top bucks, when you and i are doing the same work. The heart surgeon, laughed and said, “try to do it when the engine is running”.

1.I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

2.My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

3.I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

4.A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

5. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning